Shallow as fuck

Yeah, good times,

I've had this lj since freshman year of high school.

whoa babies.

But thats cool though,

to start anew..

or whatnot

he may come visit me.
he's gonna call me when he wakes up.
and then drive 4 hours and 55 minutes.

I dont know what to think.

I'd like to read "Love in the time of Cholera" again, I think it fits my current relationship problem.

The end.

I think that this has been the most underwhelmed and lonely I've been in a while. Most of the days I can stand the life that I lead. But today is not like one of those days.

My grandmother is home now. From her "apparent" heart attack. I dont know what to think.

School sucks as usual. Although, I'd rather be there then home.

Which brings me to another point. I doubt that my parents will let me move back. I am so close to being a fucking junior, and I cant have my own independence. I am sick and tired of living two lifes, but thats how its gotta be until I move out. Which will probably be. Never. Well, I will leave for the peace corps. I've got to do that. And grad school in New York.

But for now, i'll just be in a bad position.

I just wish that their was some way to tell my parents that the best way to keep me close is to let me go and live my life. I'm also afraid that if I walk away, I'll never come back. Ever.

Until we meet again,
you know who i am.

I spent a lifetime waiting for the soon to be, and former lovers. Men and women alike, lost in transition. Taking up the blank spaces or perhaps the no mans land.

This was my territory.

I spent a lifetime awaiting in coffee shops, with the iridescent glow, Radiohead playing overhead. People in their solitary but amongst equals, a commune of some sort, until the lights went out and the streets were the only place to turn.

And this was my territory.

And yet again I spent a span of my time with a backpack slung over one shoulder, panhandling on the corner of Forbes and Craig. Next to the dime bag junkies, the pot fiends, old black men in brown penny loafers and old worn coats with the patches on their elbows. “Can I bum a light?”

And this was my territory.

My territory was under bridges, down by the rails, the train tracks, with the burning proof in my throat. Amongst the metal, the grey drizzle, cement blockades, chicken wire and the graffiti that I fell in love with and continue to love.

I spent a lifetime, trapped between reality and fantasy always wanting. Always wanting. Always Wanting. Always. Wanting. Wanting, but going nowhere.

I spent a lifetime and it was my territory.

I'm eating pudding and its gross.

It looks like bone marrow, and has the texture of grainy assage.

Yeah, school is boring right now.

I want to join a comune, and do stuff like that. Maybe, get a life.

okay, thats enough.

Its like looking at a stranger and knowing that you could potentially feel at home. Come home to some sort of sweetness.

They never were actually there, and you'd ignore all about them. And then in the moment that they're unobtainable you realize that the love that you'd always keep on searching for will never return.

Your still life is no place like home.

Akiva Yarra.

Your still life is no place like home.

I'm in so so pain. I just got my wisdom teeth removed this morning, and such. It wasnt that bad though.

I added some new piercings to my body. I got my nipples done a few days ago. They look pretty good but I get sharp pains every so often. I cant wait until they heal fully.

This week went by pretty fast, I went to a few parties, hung out with cool kids, and overall enjoyed myself.

Although, emily's been really weird lately. She cannot understand that my home life is my home life, and my social life is my social life.

enough for now.

Vauge post yeah!

So far, my stress level is pretty high up there.

I've got 5 papers to write:
- History of World Art Paper- 4 pages
- History of World Art Paper- 6-7 pages
- History of World Art Paper- 3 pages

- Introduction to +0's studies 2 pages
- Introduction to +0's studies 2 pages

- Photo Journal for internship this past summer

My goal ist to finish the intro to +0's studies papers today before I go home. Tonight after Paiges concert, I am gonna work on the 3 page History of World Art Paper and finish it.

Tomorrow I'm gonna get my photo's developed for my internship. And then purchase some back paper (fancy) for the book, which I am going to bind myself. Afterwards I am going to write the 4 page paper in History of World art. Then work/finish on the photo journal.

Friday I'm gonna writei the 6-7 page History of World Art paper.

I'll be done with everything by friday so I cant wait. Like seriously.

During the break I'm gonna go crazy w. my photography, and do stuff on homelessness/garbage dumps in pittsburgh. Which is life in the fullest. I also need to submit lots of work to a bunch of art contests (woot). Other then that I'll be hanging out at coffee shops, making mix c.d's and reading novels/poetry.

Yesterday my art show went well. I'm pretty content with the work that I did.

I just came across an amazing piece and i need to write about it or post it at least...



There were cathedrals falling out of your eyes
And your arms were the handlebars
I held in an abbreviated dream of crushed petals
Strewn across the limpid avenues.

I said, “I have poems for you”
But my words were lost in the wind.
I said, “I love you”
And you drifted into sleep.

And so I said nothing and rode you in and out of the rooms
Where we had stretched the boundaries of the soul
Like an endless sheet
And I felt you waking up between my legs.


-bicycle poem Noelle Kocot

1) Are you in a complicated relationship?
If I'm madly in love with someone that I will never be able to be with is a complicated relationship then yes.

2) Do you hate more than 3 people?
strongly dislike yes.

3) How many houses have you lived in?
2

4) Favorite candy bar?
i donot know

6) Have you ever tripped someone?
yeah

7)What is your least favorite subject in school?
history of world art

8) How many pairs of shoes do you own?
I dont know

9) Do you own a Britney Spears CD?
I found a broken one when I went searching for metal in oakland.

10) Have you ever thrown up in public?
yeah, happens quite often

11) Name one thing that is always on your mind?
Heather.

12) Favorite genre of music?
trip hop, folk, experimental, downbeat, riot grrl, nu metal, yknow the likes

13) What is your zodiac sign?:
aquarius

14) What time were you born?
I dont know

15) Do you like beer?
its okay...i prefer wine though

16) Have you made a prank phone call?
*nods*

17) What is the most embarassing CD you own?
Um...The Doors? Most of my music isnt really embarasing.

18) Are you sarcastic?
Depends. I've been doing this depression holding in tears thing for the past week. Its fun.

19) What are your favorite color(s)?
green and purple

20) How many watches do you own?
uno but it smells like sour milk

21) Summer or winter?
Summer

22) Is anyone in love with you?
I dont know. there is no real reason why they should be.

23) Favorite color to wear?
I wear blue alot.

24) Pepsi or Sprite?
Diet pepsi

26) Where is your second home?
I dont really have a place i belong....um the city of pgh i suppose

27) Have you ever slapped someone?
*nods*

29) How many lamps are in your bedroom?:
2 but they dont work.

30) How many video games do you own?
I dont do that sort of stuff.

31) What was your first pet?
emma, dog

32) Ever had braces?:
*nods*

33) Do looks matter?
I suppose, but I dig personallity better, as well as intellect.

34) Do you use chapstick?
no

35) Name 3 teachers from high school:
h-man, mam, MRB

36) American Eagle or Abercrombie?
Neither

37) Are you too forgiving?
Depends

38) How many kids do you want?
I'd like to adopt or foster care, I dont mind which.


39) Do you own something from Hot Topic?
yeah...although i dont wear it

40) Favorite breakfast meal?
free food is nice

41) Do you own a gun?
Not big on those

42) Ever thought you were in love?
now

43) when was the last time you cried?
15 minutes ago, I got in a fight w. emily and had a break down...good times.

44) What did you do 2 nights ago?
did work in my room, aka sat around and felt sorry for myself

45) Been to the Olive Garden?
once?

46) Have you ever called your teacher mom?
yeah

47) Have you ever been in a castle?
no

48) Nickname?
um...windflower?

49) Do you know anyone named Bertha?
no. i wish.

50) Ever been to Kentucky?
Yes.

51) Do you own something from Banana Republic?:
No.

52) Are you thinking about somebody right now?
Heather. Emily and how we fought. edie and how i cant wait to hang out. David and stuff that happened in the past. Parents and sister and how they're in the cold.

53) Ever called somebody Boo?:
*nods*

55) Do you own a diamond ring?:
No.

56) Are you happy with your life right now?
happiness is futile.

57) Do you like your hair?
its okay.

58) Does anyone have a crush on you?
It woudl be nice if heather did. But yet again i am kidding myself.

60) What were you doing in May of 1994?
slitting my wrists

61) Do you own a Backstreet Boys CD?
no

62) McDonalds or Wendys?
Wendys.

63) Do you like yourself?
at times no. Right now not so muh.

64) Are you closer to your mother or father?:
dad, but my family doesnt do the whole close thing.

65) Favorite physical feature of the preferred sex?:
i like hands, and legs, and torsos, and breasts, and face, and hair, and eyes, and...well i just like women.

66) Are you afraid of the dark?
not so much

67) Have you ever eaten paste?
I dont think so.

68) Do you own a webcam?
Not my thing.

69) Have you ever stripped?
sigh.

70) Ever broke a bone?
my head. kind of.

71) Are you religious?
Not so much. Gots me some issues w. religoin

72) Do you chat on AIM often?:
not that much.

73) Pringles or Lays?:
fucktarts

74) Have you ever broken someone's heart?
once.

76) Full House or The Brady Bunch?:
neither

77) Did you like your high school guidance counselor?
he was okay.

78) Has anyone ever called you a tease?
a few times. but only durring sex so...yeah, i kinda forget what thats like.

79) Do you have a birth mark?
*nods*

80) Do you cook?
no

81) Can you cook?
yes

82) 3 things that annoy you:
unrequied love, homework/papers, the constant feeling of never belonging even when w. people.

83) Do you text message often?
no

84) Money or love?
gots issues w. both.

85) Do you have any scars?
emotional or physical?

86) What do you want more than anything right now?
Heather. My homework to go away. i'm kinda hungry.

87) Do you enjoy scary movies?
Not so much.


88) Relationships or one night stands?
well considering the fact i'm getting neither i'd do either.

89) Big Red or Juicy Fruit?:
neitehr

90) Do you enjoy greasy food?
its okay

91) Have you seen all the Rocky movies?:
no

92) Do you own a box of crayons?:
do you?

93) What would you be willing to pay big money for?
actually i cant think of anything. Maybe a sodering iron and art supplies or all of the books i could ever want in teh world.

94) Who was the last person you said i love you to?:
emily before she left.

96) Who was the last person that made you cry?
well it was me but whenever i fight w. anyone i cry

97) Who was the last person that made you laugh?
emily, I was doing the whole laugh cry thing.

98) Who was the last person that texted you?
i dont knwo...jason?

99) Who was the last person that called you?
dunno

100) Who's your cell phone provider?
T-Mobile

Go to www.popculturemadness.com and select the year you became 18*.

Paste the list of the top songs. Bold the ones you liked; strike the ones you disliked; and italicize the ones you know but don't exactly like nor dislike. The ones you don't know will stay common text

http://www.popculturemadness.com/Music/Pop-Modern/2005.html

2005 Most Requested Hits

1. Hollaback Girl - Gwen Stefani
2. My Humps - The Black Eyed Peas
3. 1, 2 Step - Ciara Featuring Missy Elliott
4. Collide - Howie Day
5. Holiday - Green Day
6. Pon De Replay - Rihanna
7. Don't Cha - The Pussycat Dolls Featuring Busta Rhymes
8. Dirty Little Secret - The All -American Rejects
9. Rich Girl - Gwen Stefani Featuring Eve
10. Gold Digger - Kayne West Featuring Jamie Foxx
11. Don't Forget About Us - Mariah Carey
12. Mr. Brightside - The Killers
13. Numa Numa - O-Zone
14. Lose Control - Missy Elliott Featuring Ciara & Fat Man Scoop
15. Listen To Your Heart - D.H.T.
16. Beverly Hills - Weezer
17. Don't Mess With My Heart - The Black Eyed Peas
18. Sugar, We're Goin' Down - Fall Out Boy
19. Switch - Will Smith
20. You And Me - Lifehouse
21. Boulevard Of Broken Dreams - Green Day
22. Vertigo - U2
23. Photograph - Nickelback
24. Feel Good Inc - Gorillaz
25. We Be Burnin' - Sean Paul
26. True - Ryan Cabrera
27. Numb/Encore - Jay-Z/Linkin Park
28. Untitled - Simple Plan
29. Since U Been Gone - Kelly Clarkson
30. La Tortura - Shakira Featuring Alejandro Sanz
31. Karma - Alicia Keyes
32. Obsession (No Es Amor) - Frankie J. Featuring Baby Bash
33. Wake Me Up When September Ends - Green Day
34. Scars - Papa Roach
35. Boyfriend - Ashlee Simpson
36. Hung Up - Madonna
37. Stickwitu - The Pussycat Dolls
38. Live Like You Were Dying - Tim McGraw
39. We Belong Together - Mariah Carey
40. Just The Girl - The Click Five
41. Run It - Chris Brown
42. Because of You - Kelly Clarkson
43. Over And Over - Nelly Featuring Tim McGraw
44. Candy Shop - 50 Cent Featuring Olivia
45. More Than Words - Frankie J
46. Diamonds From Sierra Leone - Kanye West
47. Daughters - John Mayer
48. Lonely No More - Rob Thomas
49. It's Like That - Mariah Carey
50. Have A Nice Day - Bon Jovi
51. Let Me Love You - Mario
52. Speed Of Light - Coldplay
53. Disco Inferno - 50 Cent
54. Oh - Ciara Featuring Ludacris
55. Girlfight - Brooke Valentine Featuring Lil Jon Big Boi
56. Caught Up - Usher
57. Incomplete - Backstreet Boys
58. 1 Thing - Amerie
59. Best Of You - Foo Fighters
60. Get Right - Jennifer Lopez

in this world is boredom and self pity
all whimsical and false eyelashes

there used to be places to go
years ago; when the earth was still flat
progressive places
with notions and ideals of a new day

idolatry was the way of the west
airs unite
causing a crossbreed of cultures
voices of
romanticism
cynicism
realism
surrealism
now owned by none other then the
market district
and social security

purity

puritans came over the sea
all vomit covered huddling
shuddering in their incased potato sacks
their masses collapsing onto foreign territory
they escaped capture of another kind
they claimed the horizon
and gave birth
and multiplied
and the multiplied multiplied
and we grew up in the arms of solitude
of backwards culture and never-ending violence
and we moved from the colonies
and movers moved from the movement
and the movers of the movement moved out west
out to the gold mines, the ghost towns
and they kept on moving
until the land was out
and their was nothing but the sea
we then moved in thought
from the 20’s
and their invincible gender roles
to the 50’s
and their mass killings
to the 70’s
and its sexual revolution
and the 90’s
never mind

now we move
in media and electronics
bionics and supertonics
along the information super highway
and we move
all bianary in such
play within our 2’s and 0’s
000010002
you know that sort of thing
and we’ll continue to move
until that thing is
y’know
up

some of us move in other ways
ways of the mind, heart intellect
depression, each age rising up above mediocrity
and our age rose up
and the ones who neglected to rise up got stuck in the cracks
and the ones in the cracks sufficed
and the ones who sufficed, sufficed with
grain alcohol
injectatory drugs
and they traced their veins
and followed the trails
to a grungy enlightenment
all seedy and such
and moved towards recession
and poured they’re hearts out over the drink
the manuscript
the painting
the sculpture
and they only found fame
after an untimely death
involving slit writs
and lukewarm bath water

and the ones who moved up
rose up
and became professors to the world
of the word
and became doctors
lawyers
insurance agents
stay at home moms

and the futuristic
voyeuristic
narcissistic
all ripe blooded and angry
all thirsting for blood lust through naivety
and the generations
and our generations degenerative generations
not stopping at the smoking gun
slow down
put the metal to your mouth
pull the trigger and
bam

She has a girlfriend.
And I'm an idiot.

if picnic tables could talk
they would tell you
how to draw what you see

railroad tracks and buggies
graffiti leaking out of spray cans

picture perfect
luminescent

dozens of pants and blazers
nesting in with rusty bed frames

this is the college of the drunken man
bottles; windpipes, diaper bags and dime bags

he keeps his pennies in a McDonalds cup

its organized under the bridge
full of thought and periodicals

the alcohol speaks
of nostalgia

the hermit freezes
wishes himself to be
invisible

So yesterday, me and shmorkey were hanging out in oakland, walking around to find random pieces of metal and junk lying around for an art project that I am doing.

We started walking down by the cloud factory (for those who read mysteries of pittsburgh you'll know what I'm talking about) well we're walking and tagging everything in site. I found some stuff and had a good time. Then we ended up near the bridge; keep in mind we're under the bridge; and start climbing up the side of it. The ground is covered with trash; odds and ends; rusted bed frames, lamps, rusty old chairs, and enough pants to clothe the whole enitre homeless population of pittsburgh. Well, we kept on climbing, I stopped to look at random junk lying on the ground, and shmorkey, climbed up onto the lower part of the bridge to tag it.

Finally when she finished we started walking again. It started to get really steep, and right at the end of it. There was another archway between the ground and the bridge. Under this archway was an urban living room where there were carpets, random odds and ends, and a chair. There was a homeless man sitting on this chair in his living room. It was awesome. So surreal. His back was to us. We stood and walked back up to the top of the hill, and ended up in front of the biblio.

I've got lots of stuff to do tonight

- memorize the rest of dib dab
- write a paper for Roarks test (one week late with it)
- write 3 stream of conciousness's
- write one poem
- study for history of world art
-work on my sketch book

and all of this stuff has to be done by tomorrow.

woot for me. YAY STAYING UP ALL NIGHT.

on another not a gave her a mix cd...
we'll see how that goes tomorrow.

i was told that I could be a basket case
all nice in little layers; straddling calypso beats
somewhere between my undershirt and my night dress
i was told that I could be a boding artist
all sloppy demeanor and hunchbacked; holding it in with all of my might D
i was told that I could be heterosexual
welcoming as a bat in your hair—loveless marriage and sexless nights cramping
all of my style

thick as beatnik dewdrop style
never mind the paper work within your briefcase
almost living within your walls all square and heterosexual
dancing within your free formed cell; red lipstick pearls and a orange dress
cradling my feminine stature with all of your might
never mind I ain’t g-d. I starve. I artist.

lying is really what it is when you’re an artist
we fake and fall down ramps of style
hold up white horses and the likes of artistry on parchment and then hope to receive
pensions with all of our might
to throw down our erasers, pencil sharpenings, desires within a black case
and thus aim towards some trust of character if the glove fits the size of the dress
to darn socks barefoot in a world that’s got it so heterosexual

got it so slanted with rhyme and parameter; she couldn’t be heterosexual
and you’re right. correct with you’re queer theory and the likes- she’s an artist
fake limbs and posterity right up the kazoo; just look how she dresses
all dykey and moreover messy, paint and clay stain those who come in contact with
this lost style
all transcended into one univocal sound of what is this shit? is it a basket case?
disoriented between the crossroads of plaster and olive oil grenadine sunsets that
encompass the world and its might

smell of cannabis and wax candles claiming the cobwebbed territory with all
of my might
burn down houses with nugatory senses; greasing down the structure nauseating
like a in heat heterosexual
run away portfolio in hand hoping not to be on trial for such a case
Dramamine exercises waft to ad fro within a gala of underlying schematic
elements; por qua? artistry.
its gesso time now; white, thick in consistency and nonsense sickening style
slipping off the roof of your mouth sticking to the tile running down your
neck to my dress

consumed not nurtured in a frantic upheaval battle cry through my dress
nondescript scripted nonchalance holding breaths until your acquisition of might
never fear no ones here but self consciousness that you hope will soon dissipate
into a grapevined individualistic style
slouching into like a zombie all heterosexual
and such, dancing on top of a mine field stripped with fever blisters and sun spots
a sacrifice for the artist
nude in a basket case

i once had the style of two giants in the Mississippi loveless and heterosexual
wearing the dress of a coma victim keeping out of the limelight with the might
of a lost child in the supermarket—i know now there is no difference
between artist or basket case

So I have a test today at 1:30, and I stayed up real late last night to study. But i really doubt that It will do anything.

I cant wait until today is over, or just until my test is.

I'm really getting sick of classes.

Sonnet not worth the time to write or to recite
Otherwise known as
I could make you happy
or
My Ode to Alchohalism



It’s another October thirty-first
And in return the earth will drown or slouch,
A lazy shape languid, unrefined, hunch.
Isolation time, homeless bring a curse

When standing on a corner ill lights shine
So laborious, in their neon nonchalance
A Scratching back to neighborhood I launch
know not or why, the droplets play in time

And, so warmth is a vague design
Inside and out, wholeheartedly we feel
Nothing, everything increasingly real
To feel is only a matter of the mind

It shall not be of body or of flesh
With curves and splendor, with a dropping heart
With stomach cannonballs, towards grinding halt
And my lips brushing on your bottle neck,

But trying to forget about that now—
And leave dreams to the birds, sparrows and flocks—
In slouching armchairs and in dripping clocks
Abode, grey goose calm, digging trowel

Fine embodiment, lines, and glancing eyes
For traveling back home, where breathings cease
Through adoration, alcoholic beats
Of scornful spines, and sacrilegious thighs.